I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
