I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
