Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
