i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
