Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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