White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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