I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
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