You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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