You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
