i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
