i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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