We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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