I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
