i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
3 2 1 whiskey
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
