Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize