I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
