Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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