Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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