Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize