So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
