i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
