is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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