theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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