okay pat passed out under dana's car
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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