ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize