I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
