Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
