Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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