I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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