I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Drunk is a universal language darling
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
