I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
two words...techno handjob
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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