Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
