someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
