Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
