i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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