Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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