mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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