i jhust puked up my retainher.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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