I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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