happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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