dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
