Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
