and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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