I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
