And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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