seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
