I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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