just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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