Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize