I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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