Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
