dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
