Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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