No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
