Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Randomize
