I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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